The wrath of GOD has been let loose.

I have something I need to get off my chest. Perhaps the only way to do so is to make the confession in this installment of Pets and People.

I am not as animal-rights-like as I pretend to be.

Yes, it's true...I don't wear leather, cry when I hit a butterfly with my big, ugly truck, and refrain from all sorts of animal products and by-products. But...Sunday...

I unleashed the wrath of GOD on some ants.

The rumors of me not being able to kill a cockroach or a mosquito are true...believe what you have heard. But on Sunday, when I went to brush my teeth and saw a huge pile of ants in my bathroom cabinet, snacking on some delicious mint flavored floss, I let all my pent up murderous desires go free.

I killed big ones, little ones, black ones, retarded ones, young and old, workers and queens, I killed them all.

First...I did what I always do. I gagged. Then, the rage engulfed me as I ripped the shelves out and started washing ants down my bathtub drain. Then, the few that got away, I smashed. It was a massacre. A horrible, horrible scene. Some tried to run, some tried to save their kids, but all fell to the wrath of Swan.

When the killing spree was over, I realized what I had done and how passion had overwhelmed me. I felt extremely horrible. I actually (don't laugh) cried for the little guys and realized how defenseless they were. Later, I saw two crawling frantically over a painting in my bathroom, and I tried putting myself in their shoes (no shit, I know ants don't wear shoes). They were so scared. They were realizing that the world they had known was crushed and gone. No family, no home, no dental floss...all of it destroyed. This really got me.

So, that is my confession...this has stayed with me too long for me to go another day living a lie of "Go Vegan". I am sorry to have disappointed you. Lets pour one out for our fallen homies. (She dribbles two ounces of her 40 onto the carpet and looks up to the sky.)

No one eats my floss and gets away with it. Let that be a warning to you.