Letter To Editors

by Ebenezer Abramoff

Do you believe those liberal do-gooders who held the "memorial service" on our town green for the homeless St. Augustine veteran who killed himself by laying down on the tracks, allowing a moving train to tear his body to shreds? Pathetic! They're as misguided as those starry-eyed antiwar losers who so often loiter in our Plaza with dumb signs proclaiming Bush a war criminal and imploring us to Impeach Cheney and Get Out of Iraq Now and all that unpatriotic, communist crap. Besides, a half million homeless vets is not that bad considering how many vets there are. Small potatoes. William Healey was just one vet with a mental health problem who felt he had nowhere to turn. Big deal. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.

Don't these naive idealists realize that the end of days is upon us, and that our responsibility as God-fearing Christians is to do everything we can to help bring about the rapture? Global warming is really a blessing, as is the ever-worsening situation in the Middle East. It just doesn't matter what happens to human beings or to our planet today. Tomorrow our omnipotent, omniscient, all-loving and all-forgiving God will reward righteous believers with infinite bliss, and relegate evil infidels to eternal damnation. Serves them right for trying to mess with His divine plan.

But really, it's those non-vocal moderates, the group Nixon called "the great silent majority," those who believe their civic responsibility begins and ends with voting every four years, those who think that democracy is a spectator sport devoid of moral obligation or the need for vigilant, active safeguarding, for whom our compassionate Lord is reserving the very hottest places in hell.

Why do these foolish secularists even try? Famine, disease, war, genocide, rape, homelessness, racism, climate change, poverty, torture, natural disasters, disregard for the rule of law, media manipulation and complicity, the greatest discrepancy between rich and poor since 1929, corporate control of our democracy, voter fraud, continuing perjury, secrecy, obstruction, profiteering and abuse at the highest levels of government, local apathy for the plight of the dispossessed, rampant social injustice - who cares? None of it matters! It's all predetermined, predicted in The Good Book.

We’re goin’ down, people, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it. Bring it on! Apocalypse now! Fiddle along to Fox news as our empire burns. And thank God for our first truly Christian president, a devout and humble servant who knows the score and is doing all he can to get us to heaven as quickly as possible. After all, he has The Word directly from the Big Man himself. Our mission will soon be accomplished.

And so, you heathen progressives, sappy activists and atheistic dissenters, to quote our distinguished, decorous and God-fearing vice president on the floor of the U.S. Senate, “Go fuck yourselves!”